


The Victim (That I'm Not)

by merula (merumoth)



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Coming to terms with said trauma, Derealization, Dissociation, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, Trauma/Support more like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 09:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28349304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merumoth/pseuds/merula
Summary: "It's always him, he's always the victim in his dreams. Hehatesbeing the victim."Essentially, it's a depiction of PTSD, coming to accept it, and having support in the process.(No actual violence happens in the present-tense, and all those trigger warnings are relating to the traumatic events in the past.More details on the warnings, where they appear, what to expect, etc. are in the beginning notes.)
Relationships: Hasumi Keito & Sakuma Rei
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	The Victim (That I'm Not)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Amber_Flicker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amber_Flicker/gifts).



> Note: The representation of PTSD here is based primarily with my own info/experiences - it's not a universal portrayal.
> 
> With all the triggers involved, it's _very_ important to keep these mind while reading:  
> 1\. All triggering content in the tags physically happened _only_ in the past  
> 2\. No violence, no death, none of the graphic stuff is physically happening in the present  
> 3\. You'll probably notice a lot of dissociation, derealization, flashbacks and the like in his mindset from the PTSD  
> 4\. The hurt/comfort part is the entire focus of the fic - there aren't any surprises involved. 
> 
> It's totally okay if you don't feel comfortable reading it, because it is A Lot and may be difficult to stomach! I'm worried even the person I'm writing this for (a Secret Santa exchange) isn't going to be able to read it :')  
> Still, it was great to write something from a perspective I can relate to - so if you (reader) have PTSD too, hopefully it'll be nice to read someone else with it who's getting support and validation.
> 
> (PLEASE feel free to let me know if I missed any triggers in the warning, or if you noted something more that could be listed upfront!)

The first time Rei saw someone die, it was at one of Yumenosaki's sister schools - back when he was trying to resolve everything for everyone - where he was too late to save someone. He had felt such a bad feeling about something one of the students had said the day prior; he came back to find them the next morning... and they were already dead. Hanging there. He'd never seen someone dead before. Lifeless, cold, rigid, glossy-eyed...

The second time, he was no longer in shock from the first time. He'd come to other people to save them from themselves, from whatever had been happening in the other idol schools, but no one anywhere else had died while he was there since then - at least not when he _was_ there. Until someone did - he didn't even see this person when they were alive. He never met them before, so he wouldn’t have known until their broken body laid on the pavement outside, in plain sight. The red puddle, somehow, felt unreal to look at - unreal even for the 'monster' he made himself out to be.

When he came back to Yumenosaki again, Rei had largely recovered (read: didn't think about it as much) from the brief trauma by distraction with how weak and exhausted he'd become. He came back there for the last live ex- _fine_ had, watching Wataru's pity come into play on stage, watching as the last 'Oddball' 'fell'.

Not that it's much of a fall in comparison, though.

It's been a couple of years now, he's in a dorm with Eichi Tenshouin, and under the outward tension Rei now knows Eichi's changed since then. They enjoy each other's company in spite of the past, or maybe because of that. If they had met under different circumstances, maybe the tension wouldn't be there and maybe they'd have become friends.

Rei himself has changed, even further than he had between his second second-year and his proper third year. Now, as a graduate, he's still working hard at taking down his carefully projected ego, setting aside his superiority complex, and looking at people for who they were in front of him, seen with his eyes - not who they were in his mind, seen by his imagination.

None of that particularly matters to Rei's _subconscious_ imagination, though. Once in a while, when he's particularly deep in sleep, vivid images fill his mind, repeating the two deaths he's witnessed with his own eyes, but replaying through someone else's. He's the observer in the dreams, but he's also watching himself jump, he's watching _himself_ bleed, hang, whatever graphic images rush through his mind. It's always him, he's always the victim in his dreams. He _hates_ being the victim.

Rei's eyes snap open suddenly in response to the sharp tone calling his name. 

Panicked, he immediately feels his face to check for the blood on one cheek he just woke up from seeing. It's wet and warm when his hand wipes it, and though he knows exactly who just woke him, he's too terrified to acknowledge Keito's presence. He brings his hand toward his face to look at, fully expecting the blood to be dark, completely smeared over his palm. But... there isn't anything on his hand.

Still, hesitant, he touches the other side of his face, where it's also wet and warm. Rei's hand shivers and he hesitates even more - if he sees blood, he'll already be dying, and he doesn't want to die.

"Sakuma."

Another droplet meets his hand, fresh, and he yanks it back away. There's nothing on this hand, either. Then, that means the droplets aren't blood, but instead, he's...

"... Rei?"

This time, Keito's voice isn't as loud, and it's from in front of his face. Rei can't really see Keito's face, even though he's looking right there - his eyesight is more blurry than usual.

"Rei, what happened?"

There's another hand coming to hold his chin, a finger slowly brushing across his lower eyelid, and it's not his own. Rei's eye closes to avoid it, but he can clearly feel the amount of moisture wiping to the side, indicating how much he's apparently cried. Acknowledging that means acknowledging a lot of other things he'd normally rather not, but the afterimages of blood will come back if he doesn't distract his mind immediately.

But first, Rei snivels and blinks his eyes several times. His guard has already come down, it's too late to play tough, and he can't try to avoid it _now._ "... Keito," he whispers, "It was just a nightmare." He unintentionally punctuates his words with a rough swallow.

Keito's hand slides off Rei's (drying) cheek as he stands up, but still holds that hand out. Rei hesitates, his head still spinning from the residual anxiety, not particularly processing that he's still in the Rhythm Link building. But, he still reaches up to grab onto Keito's hand, his own shaking like a leaf, almost like he's been outside too long and his hands have become numb, despite the slick feel of a cold sweat - or dried tears, maybe.

As soon as Rei manages to stand up with the help, he finds his body doesn't want to _stay_ upright. He nearly falls over - or may have, but Keito catches Rei enough to keep him on his feet. Rei's mouth opens to start to thank him, but Keito is faster to speak, so Rei closes his mouth again.

"Hmph." Keito's frustrated noise is much gentler than usual. "A nightmare doesn't explain why you were sitting in the hallway while having it."

This isn’t something Rei has an answer to, especially while he’s not sure if his vision is working properly or not. He fails to reply, and leans on Keito instead.

“... Come on, let’s get you back to your dorm.” Keito’s firm, decisive tone is reassuring. Rei doesn’t have the energy to respond, so he doesn’t, and simply focuses on his footsteps so he can stay upright.

* * *

  
  


Now, Rei huddles into the blanket he's curled tightly around himself, staring into his cup of tea as if it will help him recognize what happened, give him some reason as to why he had passed out in the first place.

Apparently, Eichi had made them both tea while Rei had been resting, but opted to leave the shared room and leave the blinds closed to give him and Keito privacy. Aira would still be in class for several hours longer. Rei is being told to relax, now that he's awake, but the moment Keito leaves, Rei won't be able to relax at all. He doesn't like being alone. 

He doesn't know how long Keito will want to deal with him today. Most people are exhausted by his very presence - he can't remember who said that, but it's stuck with him ever since. A lot of things have stuck with him, but he doesn't want to address any of them, much less all at once.

"Rei, please try to drink at least a little."

And he does. He takes a sip that, to his surprise, scalds his tongue. Just a bit. It hurts, but it's not an unwelcome type of pain. He feels more grounded when he has physical sensations like that to distract him. It even soothes his throat, a little, which he has only just noticed how dry it is.

Putting the cup down, Rei sighs. "I'm very sorry."

"It wasn't intentional, it's fine." Keito says, and his voice doesn't sound scolding. "What's more concerning is that you were having a _nightmare._ "

Rei exhales again. "It's nothing new, I promise." He can't bring himself to look up at Keito.

"New? Is having nightmares like that... normal?"

... If only he could answer 'no'. He's not about to try to dodge the question - he's already too vulnerable to let it go, and Keito's not the type of person to take advantage of that vulnerability. Still, he's nervous about opening up at all. "Yes, in a way. It's normal in the sense that trauma victims may have them for years."

Keito hums, sipping his own cup of tea. "Trauma." He murmurs, and when Rei looks up, Keito seems troubled. "That's why you were in tears waking up, then."

Rei pauses, shakes his head. "No - as I said, it was a nightmare. Those can happen to even the best of us."

"Putting aside that you were clearly not in the best of conditions - what was the nightmare _of?_ "

Flinching, Rei's shoulders sag as he curls his fingers around the tea cup to take a sip. He wants to be defensive, he wants to insist it's nothing, he wants to change the subject so, so badly, but he knows Keito will see right through any excuses he puts up. Keito won't let him be. It's somewhat well-intentioned, Rei knows, but it doesn't change how his throat tightens at the thought of answering. He knows he'll relive the nightmare if he describes it. There's no 'better' choice - he's either repeating the horrid mental images, or gets himself scolded and lectured just for wanting to protect himself.

"... Hasumi-kun," Rei says, "Have you ever seen a dead body?"

As soon as Rei speaks the words 'dead body', his mind tries to fill up with the first victim, but he instead watches Keito's posture tense up. If he looks away from Keito's expression, he'll see things he doesn't want to see.

Keito remains silent, eventually looking down to the cup and taking another sip of tea. Once he starts to speak, though, Rei feels he's been staring too long. Keito's eyes stare back, a sharp reminder that not everyone sees the world as negatively as Rei sometimes does. "Who was it?"

"At one of Yumenosaki's sister schools, there was a student so bitter at the top-ranking idol group that had narrowly won the competition that he had thought up detailed plans on how to murder them. That was shortly after I'd left the student council position." Rei says, his emotions leveling out as he watches Keito's expression carefully. "He'd said that the other idol group shouldn't have existed in the first place."

When Keito closes his eyes, Rei knows he's hit something dangerously close to home, but he isn't sure if he'd intended to do so. Rather, it was more that the situation there, manufactured specifically during Tenshouin's 'revolution', used the same tactics as Yumenosaki's had.

"I had rushed to find him the next day, but instead of finding him planning murder, I found him hanging from the ceiling."

"Sakuma," Keito's lips tighten in a scowl. It's not pleasant, but Rei isn't planning to stop. The answers Rei's giving him are what he asked for, after all.

"Several other students at a different idol school had formed a unit together, but one of them was targeted by the others after a clever little scheme had 'exposed' a minor mistake as a major scandal. I'd never met him in person, but when I had tried to find him, I found him too late. He'd jumped from the top of the fire escape stairs just outside the live hall."

"Sakuma, that's enough."

"I was able to prevent a few other instances before it was too late. Most schools had been shaken in some regard, but at the very least, those were the only two suicides during my stays."

Keito's eyes squeezed shut. "Sakuma, _stop_."

"There was at least one student here, no? Narukami-chan knows of this better than I--"

" _Stop_. You've made your point." Keito's voice nearly comes out as a growl, and Rei's eyes widen in response. 

He isn't making a point at all - he's only answering a question and recounting what he has nightmares over. Despite knowing he hasn't done anything particularly wrong, Rei regrets saying anything at all. 

It isn't any different from how it normally feels, to be honest. Those who ask don't like the answer, nor do they want false answers, and ultimately the blame falls on Rei's shoulders. These days, he opts for roundabout ways, situations to manipulate, and crafty methods to help those around him help _themselves._ That way, the only blame Rei bears is for creating the situation, and the people who needed to learn _do_ learn.

Rei's mind has been carried away all this time, full with images of blood that he's narrowly escaped thinking of by reflecting on his regrets - he hardly notices his eyes closing until thoughts of drowning in the blood overflow beyond his ability to distract himself.

"... Rei?" The hand Keito has gently placed on his cheek again surprises him with just how much moisture there is to wipe away. "Rei, I'm sorry -- are you still with me?"

Blinking his eyes open, Rei manages a sniffle, forcing his thoughts onto his sinuses and to not think about his blood. "Ah... Yes, of course." He tries to smile, but it only pushes another tear down from the corner of his other eye.

"Look at me," Keito whispers, "don't look away. It's not normal to witness things like that. You're not at fault for their deaths, and don't blame yourself for not being able to save them. That isn't a burden you should bear."

Rei does his best to listen, to stay quiet despite wanting to reply.

"You can't help having nightmares about things like that. Please don't feel ashamed of having them."

"... That's not it, Keito, those aren't what I wake up to." Rei's voice quivers. "I have only seen two people die. I dream of myself dying. I dream that the third person I will see dead will be _myself._ "

Even now, Keito doesn't look away. "Rei..." He runs his thumb across Rei's lower eyelid again, collecting more tears before they fall past his eyelashes. 

(Some part of him thinks, bitterly: why is he receiving this kindness only when it's made obvious just how _damaged_ he is?)

"Rei, I'm so sorry. This is horrible. You did nothing wrong here. If anything, we are the ones who are to blame."

Even though Keito's apologizing, Rei momentarily has forgotten what he's apologizing for. "We?"

"Myself and Eichi. Neither of us considered lasting effects like this at the time, and until now I... certainly didn't recognize how _real_ the losses were."

Rei isn't denying it. He has no urge to comfort Keito, and he knows that he shouldn't. It's too little, too late. Much too late. But, even so, he still feels a little lighter now, having someone truly acknowledge the losses and the struggles he faced himself... he feels real as well. Rei doesn't feel like a real person too often, but having a deep-seated fear addressed like this certainly cements that he is a person, having a normal reaction to abnormal situations that no one should ever have to see. He doesn't notice his lips spread slightly into a soft smile.

"I don't think apologizing means much at this point, but... I'm genuinely sorry. No one should be going through the trauma you have been, especially not on your own..."

"Trauma..." Rei repeats as his smile drops fast, right into a frown. "I'm not traumatized, though."

The sigh that Keito gives him doesn't hurt - at least, not his emotions. "Rei, this is a textbook example of trauma. I'm no doctor, but I can say with complete certainty that you've been harmed. You've been irreparably hurt."

Although Rei doesn't answer right away, he exhales and lets his eyes flick down at the cup of tea, while Keito then lets his hand rest onto Rei's shoulder.

"... I don't want to feel hurt, Keito." He lets his hand hold the teacup handle, but doesn't do anything else. "I don't want to be _the victim_."

Keito stands up at that, leaving the desk chair behind to sit next to Rei on the bed. He wastes no time reaching over to curl one arm around Rei's shoulder, his other hand pulling Rei's fingers off the teacup handle, and then uses both arms to draw them both into a tight embrace.

"You aren't a victim. You're a survivor."


End file.
